Friends to Lovers

I don’t recall imagining my wedding as a child. I couldn’t tell you if I ever envisioned myself as a bride. Prom however, I definitely thought about.

Maybe I’m only ever to dream of the future that is right in front of me, instead of 10 chapters ahead. Each decision, leads to another decision, leads to another. Which path do I want to take? I didn’t realize that the paths ahead of me were only scary when I was walking alone.

What I do remember, is longing for love. To be loved. But when it came, I was resistant to it.

The house I grew up in, was not big on physical affection. Something that’s been a struggle of mine since I can remember. But maybe it wasn’t always this way. I built a wall around myself. A protection from unconditional love.

Was it because I didn’t know it? Or was it because I felt I didn’t deserve it? Maybe it was only a myth. An unachievable dream.

I look around at my life now, seeing chaos, sensing it. But I’m okay with it. Because I know I will be okay, because I am loved, unconditionally. And lucky enough to be married to that person.

I shy away from talking about my marriage and my love life too much; atleast I feel like I do. Depending on who is on the other side of the conversation. It feels embarrassing. It feels like others might mock me. How could she really have such a respectful and loving marriage? Do those exist? And with a man? Where did she find him?

The truth is I grew up with him. We were kids together. We even realized we took tennis lessons at the same court in front of the house he grew up in. The one I lived in too 10 years later.

I don’t know if I’ve ever known what I wanted out of life. But I’ve certainly known what I don’t want. I didn’t want to be like my dad. I didn’t want to stay in Maine, let alone in Biddeford. I didn’t want to marry anyone I knew from high school.

Funny to type that now as I’m sitting on my couch, watching a man I’ve been friends with since I was 16, now my husband; put our dishes away after delivering me a freshly cooked slice of bread he just baked, in our house in Saco, 1.3 miles from my hair salon in Biddeford. Did I mention my dad was a hairstylist that previously owned salons too? The joke was truly on me.

I have never thought of myself as a romantic person. But I think I should change my perspective. Is it him that turned me into a romantic? Or was I one all along?

Romance movies always got to me as a kid. I lived for them. The last song gutted me when I saw it in theaters. I couldn’t catch my breath I was crying so hard.

Watching romantic love on screen, and experiencing it are two very different things. One is easy and requires no action from you. The other requires letting your guard down and letting people in.

Call my heart fort Audrey, And Jake was the trespasser.

I knew he cared for me for a long time. I pretended I didn’t notice. Why would I want to ruin a friendship? I also did not want to embarrass him since I didn’t share the same feelings. Well, I didn’t think I did.

He was everything I didn’t want: From my hometown, with deep family roots to it, my worst nightmare, he’d never leave. He wasn’t assertive, had never had a girlfriend, was a little awkward, and he was my friend. A friend I’d never want to lose, even now.

This story is one I’ve told many times out loud, but never written down. It feels silly to write about, sounds too ideal to be real, but it is.

December 2016 I told a friend at a party I was going to marry Jake one day, but I’m not ready to date him yet, because I knew had some self exploring to do, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

The only reason we began dating was a cause of divine intervention.

On the morning of July 2017 a friend of ours left this world, in the same way my father did, 7 years before my father’s death. I was with him hours before his death, one of the last people to see him alive. It doesn’t matter how close you are with a person, that leaves an impact on a person’s soul. Wondering if he knew he was cared about, questioning how I treated him on his last night, remembering that I heard a little voice tell me to turn around and say goodbye to Michael as I was headed to bed.

I listened, turned around, gave him a hug, and said it was good to see him. And hours later he was gone. Life felt fragile, time stood still.

I needed to talk to Jake, he was on a ship in Japan. Why did I need to talk to Jake? To tell him about our friend. Of course, his best friend had already told him.

I wanted him back in Biddeford, he had to come home. He told his ship captain, they let him come home. So to my apartment he came, the night he returned to Maine. The night before the funeral. He looked like Noah from the Notebook with his hair and big beard. Most likely his inspiration if we’re being honest. Ryan Gosling reserves a special place in that man’s heart that I will never occupy.

We sat in my galley kitchen and he told me about how his 2nd engineer had a stroke the same day our friend died. They had to use the AED on him and emergency dock in Japan to get him to a hospital. We still don’t know if that man lived, or if Jake was also one of the last people that man saw the same night.

The only reason he was able to get off the ship, was because of the emergency docking in Japan. Otherwise he’d be stranded in the middle of the ocean with no way home. He didn’t want to cut his time on the ship early, but I urged him to come home. This was important, his first friend lost. His friend’s needed him, he needed them. I needed him, he needed me.

So there we sat, looking at each other in shock as we digested the reality we faced. A bond formed between us, or an existing one was strengthened. As days passed after the service, the urge to figure out why I kept thinking about Jake nagged at me. I’ll skip some of the details that are best kept between us for now, and skip to the part where I had to tell Jake my discovery. That I knew he had feelings for me, and I guess I had them for him too.

It was one of the top 10 most uncomfortable moments in my memory. We were painfully awkward, barely making eye contact. He shared that I was right, he’d wanted to be more than friends too. To me, we might as well have just started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend right then. He had other plans.

I told him that I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t think it would end in marriage one day, and if it starts to not work, then of course we’ll break up, but I don’t date for fun. So serious for a 19 year old, or was I intentional?

After a long pause of silence, he told me he wanted that too. So that was that. And a week and a half later, both of us a number older, on the rooftop of my apartment, he said I have a question for you? I answered, “Will I marry you? Yes” He replied, “No, will you be my girlfriend?” Less enthusiastically, I still said yes anyway. Knowing that one day, he’d ask the first question.