Celebrating Steve Authentically
Originally, my sister Olivia and I had discussed planning a celebration of life for our father after hearing of his passing. We thought of places we could do it, including my salon The Hair Garden. As more time passed, this no longer felt right.
When somebody dies, it’s easy to feel like we owe them a grand celebration. Where we can all gather round and share the happy memories. Upon more thought, this felt very performative to us. We both had chosen to not have an active relationship, and had not for the past 2 years. To have to be in a room full of people from my father’s past, that knew nothing of our current relationship with him, felt phony.
Will there be a service for him? I’m honestly not sure. My father’s siblings have chosen not to speak to us, so it’s not something I would know. We have accepted this, and believe that everyone has the right to make their own choices. I also have no interest in anyone speaking to me that feels that my sister and I’s choice to not have him in our lives is the reason he ended his. Suicide is never over just one thing. I do not deny that our absence in his life played a part in his suffering. It pains me that it did. But to have him in my life caused even more pain and distress. How can you blame anyone for protecting their own mental stability?
Half of his ashes will be buried in Fort Kent, with his mom and dad, just like he desired. The other half, my sister and I will scatter in Ogunquit along Marginal way. A place we walked with him frequently as children. A town he felt most at home in.
Another reason that a celebration of life felt awkward to host, was because Steve lived a multitude of lives during his time on Earth. And with that, he had friendships with many different people. To get them all together in a room, would be near impossible. Some moved away, many live in Florida (where he found community in the last few years of his life), some are from our former church, some were clients, and many of them, are gay. Now I’m not saying you can’t be gay in a room with people that go to church. But at our church, many of them knew he was living as a gay man before he met my mother. As his truest self. It wasn’t encouraged for him to live this way, it was shamed. For the safety of the gay community, I don’t believe you need to be in a room with people that aided in my dad’s denial of himself, just to mourn.
I know these words will be jarring to many, and to that I say, good. Whether you’ve realized your mistakes in how you tried to “help” my father over the years, or this post makes you realize them, I hope you can see clearly now. That being gay, was never the problem.
What we have chosen to do as the best way to honor our father, is to dedicate the last Saturday of this year, December 28th, as Steve Saturday. This way, people can make it an annual celebration if they would like. Something that carries on much longer than just one day. We all have different memories of him, and special experiences we shared with him. All of us that knew him, and would like to honor him should do so in the way they knew him best.
For my sister and I, it will be at a drag show at Mainestreet Ogunquit, his favorite dance club. He took us both to our first drag shows, and many after that. We encourage anyone that knew him in Ogunquit to join us after the show for a night of dancing and sipping martinis, something he loved to do.
We encourage you to share your activities that you partake in on Steve Saturday to Facebook where you can tag his account in the post, or on instagram, and you can tag my page: adornedbyaudrey so I can see it and repost. If you don’t want to make it public, please feel free to share with me anyway through instagram, text, or email if you have those things.
This blog post wasn’t made with the intent to ostracize anyone. Although my dad had encountered many people in his life that did not embrace him fully for who he is, he had so many that did. Times were different, and I hope that the progression of society has brought along many of you with it. If it hasn’t, and you still believe in the narrative that being gay is a sin, and a choice, please do not try to speak to my sister or I.
We have chosen lives that are full of love, and life, and people of all different backgrounds. We have saved room in our hearts for people that we do not understand. And while I do not understand those that believe being gay is wrong, I believe you have the right to mourn the Steve you knew in whatever special way that is.
It would be easier to never publicize the details of who my dad was, but it’s not the path I would like to take. I cannot sit back and stay silent about the damage that the church instilled on my dad’s life. I know many will disagree, and even try to defend their position to me, but the past is the past. I am only interested in the future representation of who my father was as a whole. And to know him, was to know that the man you loved, was a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. I know he would be proud of me for bringing this part of him into the light.