Keep it Real

Friendships and what I would like from them has been a consistent theme in my life the past 6 months. I haven’t always had the easiest time with friendships, and after every loss of one, it has led me to reflect.

That reflection is generally at first focused on them, and why, and how, as a lot of the time I feel hurt when the relationships end. There’s been only one instance that I can recall where a friend and I amicably decided to stop being friends. We couldn’t give each other what we needed at that point in time, and figured it was best to part ways. I wish more people could have the courage to speak up when something is no longer working for them, it goes a long way, and doesn’t burn a bridge. A closed door can always reopen.

When it comes to questioning how I acted in each friendship, and what led to the downfall, I seem to be left with the same reasons. Regarding different scenarios, each of my close relationships that have ended in the past 3 years, has been due to my friend’s inability to be honest with me. Their lack of honesty has often times led them to avoiding me, or even ghosting me. I can’t be ghosted very easily, because I will bang on that door until I knock it down. Knock knock, it’s me asking for answers! Is that so insane? Should I have just let you slip out the back door and wondered why forever? No, you promised me friendship, and friends don’t act so carelessly with another’s heart. Maybe I have high expectations of what it means to be a friend, but shouldn’t we all?

How could any friend go from speaking to you weekly to ignoring your texts? It hurts, and it makes me panicked. I only have one friend of mine still that tried to take some distance from me until I was clear about how I felt that she had an animosity towards me that I was unaware of. She finally told me how she felt and I was able to listen and share my piece as well. The time spent not talking to me about how she felt allowed those feelings to snowball into something even bigger than it ever needed to be. During that time we both had anxiety about the relationship and were distressed. This was a relationship I cherished and I was fearful to lose. I’m more grateful than ever before that she chose to do the hard thing, and share her grievances.

One of the biggest issues she was experiencing was feeling an imbalance in how much I was showing up in our friendship, and she was right. I wasn’t able to show up for any of my friends as I normally was at that time, as I was opening my business, getting married, and losing a parental relationship. I was trying to stay afloat. It hurt to hear that she did not feel valued by me. I never want my friends to feel that way, but it happens. I am not a perfect friend, but I do try to be a damn good one.

For me, I have learned that it’s going to ebb and flow, and there will be times when one friend is having the worst year of their life, while the other may be having the most successful. To continue to remain friends through times when you are feeling vastly different emotions is no easy feat. If you value a relationship, it is important to be able to talk to your friend about your feelings surrounding your friendship. If you are in the weeds and know you can’t be as reliable, let your friend know. If you are important to them, they should understand and not take it personally. I know first hand how challenging it can be to be excited for a friend and their joyful moments when it takes everything you have just to get out of bed that day. It feels like everyone is moving forward while you remain still. During those times, you show up the best you can. You send the congratulatory message, you like their instagram posts, you send a card, you call them when you can. If they love you like they say they do, they will extend you compassion for your current circumstance and expect less from you during a trying time.

All of what I am mentioning, relies heavily on honesty. From both sides of the friendship. If your friend responds poorly when you share your feelings, then maybe that is the answer you needed that they shouldn’t be in your life anymore. But how can your friend respond to your feelings when you keep them locked up? It doesn’t count when you share your feelings with everyone but them. What’s the point of that anyway? Are you hoping they’ll hear about it and get the message that way? As if that’s going to make them hear you without being wounded? I can assure you, that is one of the worst ways to navigate a friendship where you are feeling less than valued. Inflicting pain on somebody you have shared so much with because you were not brave enough to have a heart to heart is inexcusable in my book. Two wrongs don’t make a right, didn’t we learn that in elementary school?

Now I know, some of you reading this are probably thinking, well if the common denominator is that they are too scared to talk to you Audrey, you must be the issue. And to the simple minded, you could say that. I’m just a girl that’s had her own older sister say she was scared of me. I wonder, am I really scary? It depends who you ask. I am truthful with those who hurt me, and a lot of people can’t handle that. It would cause them to reflect on how they acted, and I’ve learned there aren’t as many people as there should be in this world that are willing to do that. It’s essential if you want truly close relationships in your life, just so we are clear, I don’t make the rules. I have realized that my candor is not for everyone, and it’s important to find out early on if a friend values that quality in me, or only values it when it benefits them. And by that, I mean when I stand up for them to others, or myself to others. I find every friend that has been too scared to have a conversation with me in fear of letting me down, has cheered me on in some way when I have stood my ground when it doesn’t relate to them. I’m honest to a point where I call it exactly how it is, and that hurts, I know, and I’m sorry, but baby somebody had to tell you that what you did was careless and out of touch. And that somebody is always going to be me.

What I want in this life, is to see everyone living their most authentic and joyful lives. How can you do that when you are hiding parts of yourself from the people closest to you? When a friend vents to me about another friend, one of the first questions I will ask is, “have you told them how you feel?” If the answer is no, I ask “why not?” I realize that some people are venting just to vent, but to me, don’t you eventually not want this to be an issue anymore? I’m capable of biting my tongue if advice is unwanted, but if I’m the 5th person you’ve complained to and you have no game plan for resolving your issue at hand, it kind of sounds to me like you just want to be a victim. I don’t have tolerance for people not interested in growth.

Conflict is seen as a negative thing to a lot of people. It took my husband years and some therapy to realize that when I was sharing my feelings I wasn’t attacking him, it was rarely even about it. But he was dedicated to our relationship, to understanding each other. We now have brief moments of “conflict” and move on quickly, because our issues are hardly that deep to begin with. Our biggest blow outs, were when he would withhold his true feelings, often times in fear of letting me down. I’m a big girl, and I know I’m going to be let down at times. It’s life, and I won’t be upset forever, but yeah it will probably get weird between us for a moment in time. We’re both uncomfortable, now do you want to work through it or what? If I’m committed to a relationship whether it be romantic or platonic, I will be able to move on from feeling let down.

The friends in my life that vent and do care for my advice, are people who want to become better. They know I want the best for them, and to see their other relationships balanced and healthy. To have balanced and healthy relationships calls for the self reflection I mentioned earlier. The thing I’ve learned that not everybody is willing to do. Too bad, cause you’d be really freaking awesome if you could do it.

So to all my friends I once had, that no longer remain. All I ever wanted from you was honesty. A conversation, and a timely one for that matter (it doesn’t count when you talk to me after I beg for answers). I hope in my absence, you have learned to speak up when you need to, even if it feels scary. I promise, it’s probably scarier in your head. If any of you are reading this, you may even roll your eyes, or you may be reminded of the good that lives inside of me. Maybe a bit of both. Because like I was in our friendship, I remain honest in my writing. I don’t hide my feelings to spare you from feeling. We all should feel, and not all feelings are meant to be good. My wish for you, is that you find your courage. That you be surrounded by people who encourage you to speak up and be heard. I hope you heal from the memories that cause you pain. I hope you are loved and loved well. I hope you realize that you are the only person you can save. If my friendship couldn’t be the one where you sharpened the tool of honesty, let it be because of our friendships end that you learned a relationship is nothing without honesty.

To my friends in the present that have shared their feelings with me, you are special. I feel seen and respected by you. Dare I say valued too? I continue to believe in friendships because of you. We are better for our disagreements, and that builds trust. Trust in knowing we can always be real with each other. The only type of relationships I care for in this life. Let’s keep it going, and keep it real.